A Few Words about Bill Fitzgerald

I’m not naive. I know there’s no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect marriage. But it’s important to give credit for trying.

And so, among the many thoughts I have about Bill Fitzgerald on the day of his memorial service, there is this:

Bill and Martha raised 11 kids to be strong individuals. Among them you can count 11 different ways of thinking and viewing the world.  Bill and Martha did this during some difficult times in the 60’s and 70’s. As if that weren’t enough work for them, they also taught and inspired so many others of us along the way.

Bill truly meant it when he greeted you or said farewell with “Peace” and I do too. Sending out lots of love to all the Fitzgeralds. Thanks for sharing Bill and Martha with the rest of us. 

Peace.

(With apologies for the slightly awkward photo that includes my brother and a few Fitzgeralds at awkward ages. Bill, center with glasses. Martha, kneeling right front)

Me, with Bill at Andrew and Leah's wedding

 P.S. Here are two places you can learn more about this amazing man.

http://memorialwebsites.legacy.com/bill_fitzgerald

http://www.lmu.edu/fame/inductees/fitzgerald.htm

The Navy Yard

People always ask me how far I am from DC. Well it depends on where you are going, what day it is, what time it is and whether there’s street closings for parades or marathons or a mass shooting.

Today, I am 26 to 37 miles away from the Washington Navy Yard which could be 40 to 50 minutes away on a good day. Or if I took Metro and the Navy Yard Station were open, it would take me about 50 minutes.

Today, 12 people were killed by someone who appears to have worked with them right there at the Navy Yard. As far as I know, I don’t know any of them. I also didn’t know anyone who was killed at the Pentagon in 2001. I didn’t know anyone who was killed by the “Sniper” in 2002. Or at any of the other mass killings that have occurred in the U.S. But every time I hear about one of these “events” I get sick to my stomach. I think about all those families whose lives have suddenly changed because of a person with a gun.

Today I went “off the grid” once it seemed clear that it was an isolated event that wasn’t going to effect how I got through my day. I knew it was all going to be bad news and I didn’t need to hear constant updates or hear speculation or hear or read what the people with anti or pro- gun agenda’s had to say about it. Still, it did effect how I got through my day. Those 12 families were on my mind all day and I wished there were a way to personally send them my good wishes.

When I signed back in to the grid, nothing I heard or read surprised me. It was neither less awful or more awful than I expected it to be. It was just awful.

There have been more than 100 mass shootings in America in my lifetime. I suppose the first one I remember for sure is the University of Texas shooting--the reason I am still paranoid in big open public areas, especially if there’s tall structures where a shooter might hide. Today’s “workplace” shooting is why I am nervous even in my own office, where people come to have their taxes prepared and are usually very angry that they have to pay taxes. It doesn’t help that the office is on a major street with several Federal office buildings on it, where people try to outrun the red lights at the corner and we hear screeching tires several times a day. And then there’s the sirens of emergency vehicles racing to help at nearby intersections or the highway.

I’m afraid there is probably nothing that will ever be done to reduce the number of mass shootings. Not as long as the NRA exists as it currently exists. I’m not interested in “taking your guns away” and truthfully, don’t think anyone is interested in that. But I am so weary of the so-called “Second Amendment Supporters” and their rhetoric and lies. 

Do they really believe that people like me don’t “believe” in the Second Amendment? 

Apparently some Americans think we can pick and choose which Amendments to “believe in.” I suppose I can see their point--I probably would have been against Prohibition, but I’m one of those suckers who follows the laws--even the ones I don’t like. I don’t like paying taxes, but I do it. I don’t like stopping at the stop sign as I leave my neighborhood, but I do it. I don’t like that I have to listen to pro-gun free speech, but I am often forced to do so. I don’t like that women sometimes choose to have an abortion, but I honor their right to make that choice in private. I could go on and on.

I’m pretty sure that today’s events won’t change anything. People will still buy guns. Some people will buy automatic guns, claiming they’ll use them for hunting when the reality is that no one needs an automatic gun to shoot a deer. Or if they do, they are lousy hunters and lousy marksmen/women. Some people will kill other people with their guns that they buy claiming they need them for self-defense. 

None of this makes sense to me. It breaks my heart that I know there will be more days like this. I know there will be more days where I feel sick to my stomach knowing about families experiencing horrible grief because someone with a gun decided to kill family members of people they do not know.  

I guess I just think that there could be solutions to Americas’ gun fetish. Actually, we already know the solutions, we just aren’t brave enough to do what needs to be done. I know there will always be guns, but it seems to me there are plenty of smart things that could be done “around the edges” of this problem that would help prevent days like today.

At the end of this long day I turned to Jon Stewart’s Daily Show because sometimes a little humor helps us understand the truth. I did my research and know you can read the truth about how the NRA has written our gun laws (search: Tiahrt Amendment) but Jon Stewart may do it better. 

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-january-16-2013/there-goes-the-boom

Here’s a transcript if you prefer reading:

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2013/01/17/1179688/-Must-see-Jon-Stewart-exposes-how-the-NRA-GOP-PREVENT-the-ATF-from-enforcing-current-gun-laws

Ann Bernice Henderson Goodwin March 1920 - July 2013

Dear Aunt Ann, 
I know you are resting in peace because you always brought a sense of peace with you everywhere. But I am selfishly feeling bad because I am now without any uncles and aunts and not feeling very peaceful. Of course I knew this day would come, but I still can’t believe it. So I pulled out Margaret’s old photo albums and have gathered some photos to share here.

However, I don’t seem to have any photos of one of my favorite memories which is when you and I travelled to the Mother House of the Sisters of Charity of Leavenworth to visit Sister Mary De Lourdes (Bernice Schuelle) for her 90th birthday. She was closer to Margaret's age, but her family had been neighbors in Leavenworth and you were given her name for your middle name. 

We’re all somewhat jealous that you are all surely partying now that you’re all together again. I’m guessing we all kind of wish we could do some kind of time travel and get together with you all in Aunt Kay’s back yard -- all the various generations together telling stories. I know we are all grateful to your generation and our parents’ generation for your efforts to share so many birthdays and holidays when we were growing up. 

My consolation is that I feel you will always be with me, at least when I’m working on genealogy. I can’t get over how much you accomplished before any of us had computers -- ordering microfilm and sitting at those readers searching for names on census records. Then making copies and sending letters with stories you remember. My work is a continuation of yours and your persistence inspires me to keep working on the Adams and Sesma stories.

We were so lucky to be loved by you. 
Peace, Joni

[note to readers: Ann was my maternal grandmother's youngest sister. Their mother, Anna,  gave birth to 12 babies. My grandmother Margaret was second-born in 1899; Ann was last-born in 1920. My mother Betty Ann was born in 1921 and in many ways Ann and Betty Ann were like sisters. As a child, I always thought of Ann as an aunt like my mother's sister Peg. In fact, there was very little differentiation between "degrees" of relation for any of the generations -- so when I started doing genealogy, I had to learn the difference between aunt, grand-aunt, great-aunt, etc. Likewise for grandmothers -- it took me many years to figure out the difference between Anna and her own mother Elizabeth so that now I use Anna Harrington Henderson and Elizabeth Ringwald Harrington in order to remember.]

Here are some photos. The B&W photos are from photo albums of Margaret's that I had in storage, waiting for me to have time to scan them. I don't have any here for the late 60's on. Then I have a few from John Henderson's 100th birthday in 2008 and other recent events.

Anna Henderson, Ann
(1920, can't read others (written in faded pencil); could be Tom & Frank? Maybe Margaret?)

Arkansas 1921
Margaret & Verne, Mother (Anna) Henderson holding Betty Ann
John Henderson, Ann Henderson

Betty Ann and Ann

Ann Henderson
Leavenworth, KS

Ann Henderson, age 4

  
  St. Louis
"Francis & Thomas, Ann, B-Ann, Bob, Paul Jr, Peggy, Walter"

  

 

Ann, Betty Ann, Peg, Joani & Friends
Strotman St. St Louis

  

Grandma Harrington, Adele & Clarence, Anna, Ann
Adele (Henderson) & Clarence Hatch Wedding Day 1925

 

         

                         

Betty Ann in her H.S. graduation dress. Ann.

Peg, Betty Ann, ??, Ann
This must be 1938 because Betty is wearing her high school grad dress. 

 

Bill & Ann Goodwin. Peg & Joe Fairchild

V-mail from Ang Adams to Ann & Bill, 1944

Sisters 1960. Margaret, Ann, Adele, Kay (and someone in mirror)
(this must be Gertrude Harrington & Arch Johnstone's 50th anniversary.)

Early 1960's. Goodwin's backyard?? 

 

At the Adams, McLean Ave. 1960's
Joe Fairchild, Ang Adams, John Henderson, Bea Henderson
Ann Goodwin, Margaret Russell, Betty Adams, Frank Henderson, Peg Fairchild
That's Tom Adams next to Ang and I think that's my back walking away.

My baby shower in 1979.
Back: Peg, Barbara, Cathy, Mimi
Front: Margaret, Ann, Me, Chris, Marian. Betty in front.

2008, John's 100th birthday
Betty, Ann, Barbara, John

Betty, Ann, Mary Bruemmer

Ann and her girls. Barbara, Maureen, Nancy

Ann, Marian. At Mark's after the 100th birthday party

John Henderson, Ann at Joe Fairchild's funeral

   

Ann, Peg Fairchild, John Henderson.
At Cathy Fairchild's after the funeral.

Wuthering Heights

Once upon a time in 1970, there was a young woman who left everyone who loved her behind in California and made her first stop in her world travels in Stony Brook, New York to earn her Masters Degree in English....

Forty plus years later her younger sister, wrote to the SUNY Stony Brook English Department and Special Collections Dept at the the Library and and after some research they found and sent her pdf’s of the older sister’s masters research paper. During that year when the older sister was thousands of miles away, the two sisters wrote many letters back and forth. The older sister tried to encourage the younger in her A.P. English class when she read Wuthering Heights and then wrote a paper on it. 

The younger sister did not know the older one was writing her own Wuthering Heights paper; “Emily Bronte: Completeness of Perception in a Fragmented Age, A Study of Wuthering Heights.” 

Oh, the younger sister always knew that the masters research paper was "on one of the Brontes" but when she received the email with the pdf of the masters paper, she really lost it and could barely breathe. 

The Sisters

Of course, all who knew the older sister, know that writing about Emily Bronte was not the only thing the older sister was doing during that year. After that year she went on to further and farther travels spending time in Oakland, Berkeley, Detroit, Paris and other European cities, Moscow, and finally appearing to settle in New York. For a few years the two sisters finally lived a mere 4 hours apart and were able to visit each other instead of writing letters. 

Then the older sister had cancer and left for good on February 6, 2001 and the broken hearts she left behind this time were too numerous to count and too shattered to heal smoothly.

The older sister did not believe in an after-life but every now and then something comes along and we get to feel the older sister with us again. The sight of the pages the older sister typed herself made the younger sister feel like she had just received another letter from her older sister.

Until we meet again. 

With love from the younger sister. 

February 6, 2013

Thoughts on a funeral for a 30-year-old-young-man

A few days ago we attended a funeral for a 30-year-old-young-man. We’ve had a lot of sad news recently but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Nick and his 3 sisters and Mom and Dad and about how we are all members of so many different “families”. We watched these siblings and so many others grow up as members of our local “swim team family.”

For us, the families we joined over the years have been important because we were so far away from our “real” families. I believe that our girls appreciate that we spent so much time and effort giving them families to belong to wherever we have lived. I wish I could explain that value to kids when I see them whining about getting up for swim practice or whatever it is their poor tired parents are “making” them do. I guess I’m just glad that my girls seem to have learned from our efforts as I see them creating their own families in each place they live.

Nick’s sisters eulogized him, each in their own way, but all with honesty about his wonderful talents as well as his faults. One talked about how amazing it was that an “introvert” surrounded himself with so many different kinds of friends and families. And that is sort of what is wonderful about funerals--it’s the one time that all the different parts of our lives come together in one place. Weddings can be like that too, but you have to be invited to attend. Mike and I used to have big parties in February because our birthdays are two days apart. It was always a tad awkward to bring together so many people who only had us in common. I hope to have more such parties because the truth is that I love that we have so many different types of friends. I know which ones are like family because they are the ones who can drive me crazy but I still want to be with them. I know my sister-friends are the ones who can push my buttons just like a sister, but are also the ones I run to when I need to rail and scream about life or death.

Finally, it is horribly trite to say how awful it is to attend a funeral for a 30 year old. How heartbreaking to watch three sisters try to eulogize their older brother. You think about how important are the first 20 years as siblings, but also about how much they will miss in the coming 30-50 years of their lives. There are no words to describe these thoughts. They swirl around in my brain, as if they were trying to find a place to land. But I stood there in that church, trying to find words, thinking a word would make me feel better. I listened to every word spoken by the priests, his sisters, his cousin, his Dad. They all helped and I hoped that having all of us there was helping them. 

My word became SOLIDARITY. 

Perhaps that is what funerals are for. We stand together, hoping that our presence helps that family. We try to hold them up so they can take that next necessary step forward. We hope they can hear our hearts telling them how much we love them and hope they know that every single person in that church would do anything for them. Because, we are all family, all standing with them in solidarity.

The thing is, I’VE ALWAYS HATED PINK!

 Some thoughts on breast cancer, the Komen Foundation, Planned Parenthood, and a letter to Nancy Brinker.

The thing is, I’VE ALWAYS HATED PINK!

I have lost too many people to breast cancer and come perilously close to losing too many others to breast cancer (mother, mother-in-law, cousins, friends). Over the years, I have walked and donated “for the cure” because being surrounded by 1000’s of women was empowering and probably helped me deal with my grief. I kept thinking that if so many people were impacted by this disease, surely we could find a cure. Even after I had my own doubts about SGK I donated so my friends could have that empowering experience.

The news about Susan G Komen and Planned Parenthood has confirmed my New Years decision to do my donating to charities that have less than 2 degrees separation between me and the people they help.

Contrary to popular belief, Planned Parenthood does so much more than abortion. I’m pretty sure they do more to help women than nearly any organization. Something like 90% of their work is for well-women care. Yep, that’s like well-baby care, so that means some percentage is also for ill-women care. And then there’s that troubling percentage for abortions.

Let’s just start walking together anyway!  Sisterhood is powerful. Really. We don’t even have to raise money while walking. We can just be millions of strong women--walking. Komen can keep their pink money. I don’t think Planned Parenthood should take it even if Komen begs them to take them back but that’s for them to decide.

There are so many ways to discuss the news about Susan G Komen and Planned Parenthood. For me, it all boils down to wondering why so many people are against health care for women. Why is there so much hatred toward women? Why is there so much recent legislation aimed at preventing women from taking care of their bodies as they see fit. And why is this legislation being introduced and supported by people who claim they want the government out of “our” lives. Such hypocrisy! Why are these people so afraid of women? Of Planned Parenthood? Planned Parenthood is just a scapegoat for these people who are trying their best to control women’s lives any way they can.

Anyway, back to Komen. Here’s what I’d like to say to Nancy Brinker.

Dear Nancy,

Like you, I lost my sister, Susan, to breast cancer when she was way too young. We had used your web site along with others to learn as much as we could about the disease and treatment. My husband, daughters and I ran and walked in the Race for the Cure beginning after Susan died. Walking with 1000’s of women (and men) was so empowering and I think also helped us deal with our grief. Over the years we also donated in support of friends because we wanted them to have the same experience. I even supported you in spite of my hatred of pink! (I have 3 daughters but never dressed them in pink!)

Meanwhile, during these years, I also started hearing disturbing stories about groups Komen had partnered with, and about some of the things the foundation supported. I also became more and more bothered with the merchandizing of breast cancer, but I set my feelings aside because I convinced myself that what the foundation did for breast cancer awareness was worth it.

When I started hearing that the foundation was going stop helping to fund breast cancer screening at Planned Parenthood, I was very upset. However I figured (and still do) that you could spend your money how you wanted. But then—and I shouldn’t have been surprised—I found that there were too many coincidental things involved.

I can understand how hard it is to stand up to right wing conservative anti-abortion board members and supporters. On the other hand, maybe you agreed with them? And if you agreed with them, then why did you cave in to the outside pressure this week and decide to reverse your decision about funding Planned Parenthood’s breast cancer screening?

So – dear Nancy. In my humble opinion as a fellow grieving sister, please do some soul searching and insist that your organization do the same. I can’t help feeling that your sister must be so disappointed in you. She must be wondering what happened to you and why you can’t seem to stand up for what you really believe in. Do you really want to find a cure for breast cancer? Or is enough to just teach women about awareness and self-checking and early screening? Or maybe you want to do that, as well as fund basic research? Do you really care about women’s health? Or do you mostly care about making sure women can’t ever get abortions when needed? Do you mostly care about maintaining your funding sources from anti-abortion groups? Or do you want to maintain funding from people like me—people who like you, lost a sister to breast cancer?

If I were you—I’d fire the entire board and start over after I’ve figured out my priorities. Or I’d step down because the foundation did not represent me and my sister any longer (unless it does…see above.)

Maybe I’d cut my salary by at least a half. Maybe cut it to the average income of an American woman who is fighting breast cancer without health insurance. Ask the board to do the same. Give the balance of my former salary to Planned Parenthood! Or to my local favorite women’s health center! These steps would be a good way to stand up and make a statement to people like me and to the rest of the world!

Finally, in case you haven’t already figured it out, please know that I will not be supporting the Komen foundation or helping friends participate in a Race for the Cure. Not ever again. Your actions this week have proved to me that you and your foundation have lost your way. I really wonder what Susan Komen would have done? Is this what she meant with her dying wish to you? I thought the story was that she asked you to do something to help find a cure for breast cancer.  

Sincerely,  Joan Adams Sesma

Memory is a blessing

Funeral today for a favorite client—a sweet little old lady who should have had a chance to get really old! I only knew her in a tiny professional way but it I was so happy to learn that she was exactly who I thought she was—the same person in all areas of her life. People described her exactly as I would have. I learned a couple things about her that I didn’t already know—that she was born in Liverpool and that like my own mother, she did not allow the milk carton/bottle on the table. You pour the milk into a pretty pitcher first and put that pitcher on the table!

I was thinking about the last time I saw her and the laughs we shared and how glad I was that I had that chance to see her. Her grandson talked about how he was expecting the last week to be so sad (which it was) but that it was also so joyful and how proud he was to learn how his grandmother had touched so many lives. Now I understand what it means to be “a woman of valor.” And I think I might be getting some understanding of what it means when they say “may her memory be a blessing.”

All that from a little 70+ year old woman who blushed when I told her how much I loved her very short, growing-back-in hair. I was lucky to cross paths with her in this life.