Thoughts on a funeral for a 30-year-old-young-man

A few days ago we attended a funeral for a 30-year-old-young-man. We’ve had a lot of sad news recently but I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Nick and his 3 sisters and Mom and Dad and about how we are all members of so many different “families”. We watched these siblings and so many others grow up as members of our local “swim team family.”

For us, the families we joined over the years have been important because we were so far away from our “real” families. I believe that our girls appreciate that we spent so much time and effort giving them families to belong to wherever we have lived. I wish I could explain that value to kids when I see them whining about getting up for swim practice or whatever it is their poor tired parents are “making” them do. I guess I’m just glad that my girls seem to have learned from our efforts as I see them creating their own families in each place they live.

Nick’s sisters eulogized him, each in their own way, but all with honesty about his wonderful talents as well as his faults. One talked about how amazing it was that an “introvert” surrounded himself with so many different kinds of friends and families. And that is sort of what is wonderful about funerals--it’s the one time that all the different parts of our lives come together in one place. Weddings can be like that too, but you have to be invited to attend. Mike and I used to have big parties in February because our birthdays are two days apart. It was always a tad awkward to bring together so many people who only had us in common. I hope to have more such parties because the truth is that I love that we have so many different types of friends. I know which ones are like family because they are the ones who can drive me crazy but I still want to be with them. I know my sister-friends are the ones who can push my buttons just like a sister, but are also the ones I run to when I need to rail and scream about life or death.

Finally, it is horribly trite to say how awful it is to attend a funeral for a 30 year old. How heartbreaking to watch three sisters try to eulogize their older brother. You think about how important are the first 20 years as siblings, but also about how much they will miss in the coming 30-50 years of their lives. There are no words to describe these thoughts. They swirl around in my brain, as if they were trying to find a place to land. But I stood there in that church, trying to find words, thinking a word would make me feel better. I listened to every word spoken by the priests, his sisters, his cousin, his Dad. They all helped and I hoped that having all of us there was helping them. 

My word became SOLIDARITY. 

Perhaps that is what funerals are for. We stand together, hoping that our presence helps that family. We try to hold them up so they can take that next necessary step forward. We hope they can hear our hearts telling them how much we love them and hope they know that every single person in that church would do anything for them. Because, we are all family, all standing with them in solidarity.

The thing is, I’VE ALWAYS HATED PINK!

 Some thoughts on breast cancer, the Komen Foundation, Planned Parenthood, and a letter to Nancy Brinker.

The thing is, I’VE ALWAYS HATED PINK!

I have lost too many people to breast cancer and come perilously close to losing too many others to breast cancer (mother, mother-in-law, cousins, friends). Over the years, I have walked and donated “for the cure” because being surrounded by 1000’s of women was empowering and probably helped me deal with my grief. I kept thinking that if so many people were impacted by this disease, surely we could find a cure. Even after I had my own doubts about SGK I donated so my friends could have that empowering experience.

The news about Susan G Komen and Planned Parenthood has confirmed my New Years decision to do my donating to charities that have less than 2 degrees separation between me and the people they help.

Contrary to popular belief, Planned Parenthood does so much more than abortion. I’m pretty sure they do more to help women than nearly any organization. Something like 90% of their work is for well-women care. Yep, that’s like well-baby care, so that means some percentage is also for ill-women care. And then there’s that troubling percentage for abortions.

Let’s just start walking together anyway!  Sisterhood is powerful. Really. We don’t even have to raise money while walking. We can just be millions of strong women--walking. Komen can keep their pink money. I don’t think Planned Parenthood should take it even if Komen begs them to take them back but that’s for them to decide.

There are so many ways to discuss the news about Susan G Komen and Planned Parenthood. For me, it all boils down to wondering why so many people are against health care for women. Why is there so much hatred toward women? Why is there so much recent legislation aimed at preventing women from taking care of their bodies as they see fit. And why is this legislation being introduced and supported by people who claim they want the government out of “our” lives. Such hypocrisy! Why are these people so afraid of women? Of Planned Parenthood? Planned Parenthood is just a scapegoat for these people who are trying their best to control women’s lives any way they can.

Anyway, back to Komen. Here’s what I’d like to say to Nancy Brinker.

Dear Nancy,

Like you, I lost my sister, Susan, to breast cancer when she was way too young. We had used your web site along with others to learn as much as we could about the disease and treatment. My husband, daughters and I ran and walked in the Race for the Cure beginning after Susan died. Walking with 1000’s of women (and men) was so empowering and I think also helped us deal with our grief. Over the years we also donated in support of friends because we wanted them to have the same experience. I even supported you in spite of my hatred of pink! (I have 3 daughters but never dressed them in pink!)

Meanwhile, during these years, I also started hearing disturbing stories about groups Komen had partnered with, and about some of the things the foundation supported. I also became more and more bothered with the merchandizing of breast cancer, but I set my feelings aside because I convinced myself that what the foundation did for breast cancer awareness was worth it.

When I started hearing that the foundation was going stop helping to fund breast cancer screening at Planned Parenthood, I was very upset. However I figured (and still do) that you could spend your money how you wanted. But then—and I shouldn’t have been surprised—I found that there were too many coincidental things involved.

I can understand how hard it is to stand up to right wing conservative anti-abortion board members and supporters. On the other hand, maybe you agreed with them? And if you agreed with them, then why did you cave in to the outside pressure this week and decide to reverse your decision about funding Planned Parenthood’s breast cancer screening?

So – dear Nancy. In my humble opinion as a fellow grieving sister, please do some soul searching and insist that your organization do the same. I can’t help feeling that your sister must be so disappointed in you. She must be wondering what happened to you and why you can’t seem to stand up for what you really believe in. Do you really want to find a cure for breast cancer? Or is enough to just teach women about awareness and self-checking and early screening? Or maybe you want to do that, as well as fund basic research? Do you really care about women’s health? Or do you mostly care about making sure women can’t ever get abortions when needed? Do you mostly care about maintaining your funding sources from anti-abortion groups? Or do you want to maintain funding from people like me—people who like you, lost a sister to breast cancer?

If I were you—I’d fire the entire board and start over after I’ve figured out my priorities. Or I’d step down because the foundation did not represent me and my sister any longer (unless it does…see above.)

Maybe I’d cut my salary by at least a half. Maybe cut it to the average income of an American woman who is fighting breast cancer without health insurance. Ask the board to do the same. Give the balance of my former salary to Planned Parenthood! Or to my local favorite women’s health center! These steps would be a good way to stand up and make a statement to people like me and to the rest of the world!

Finally, in case you haven’t already figured it out, please know that I will not be supporting the Komen foundation or helping friends participate in a Race for the Cure. Not ever again. Your actions this week have proved to me that you and your foundation have lost your way. I really wonder what Susan Komen would have done? Is this what she meant with her dying wish to you? I thought the story was that she asked you to do something to help find a cure for breast cancer.  

Sincerely,  Joan Adams Sesma